Thoughts on Friendship

I've been thinking on the nature of friendship, and the following joke comes to mind:

A friend will help you move.
A good friend will help you move a body.

Years ago, when my wife died, my friend Bill went dumpster diving for me, trying to find one of my wife's purses that had $800 in it that I forgot to remove. Sadly, we never found that $800. But his actions illustrate the type of dedication that true friends have for each other.

I can't say that my relationship with Bill has always been smooth sailing. There was a several year period in our lives, that we were out of contact with each other. Yet, when I found the job in the city, he went out of his way to send me a top of the line, fully loaded iPad to as a gift to celebrate my success in finding work.

In order for two friends to be friends after hurting each other, it takes a lot of effort from both parties. It also takes a lot of forgiveness - not just for the other person, but for one's self. We all do things we are ashamed of, and in the heat of passion, we say and do a lot of things that we later regret. Unfortunately, we can never take those words back or undo those actions. But we can forgive others for what they have done.

Over the past few years, I have caused some of my friends to suffer more than their share of pain. For this, I will always be sorry. I have lost two friends very close to me - neither of which will likely see this blog post. And that's OK. With these lost friends, we gave as good as we got. In many ways, things balanced out in a strange sort of way.

While talking with one of my friends the other night, we discussed the frequency of contact between friends. This friend and I can talk about anything, including the most serious of subjects, but we don't talk too often. We are among each other's circle of close friends. These are the friends I'd ask to move a body. However, with the two friends I lost, we'd be on the phone every day. It was good to talk with them, even though we often had nothing much worth saying. They were comforting and fun to be with. But I'm not sure if I could have asked either one to move a body.

With one of the above friends I hurt, I noted that I was trying to have a wider circle of friends and acquaintances. Not everyone could be counted on to move a body, nor could all of those friends be counted on to be in contact on a daily basis. This friend preferred to have a extremely small and tight circle of friends who could be leaned on for any favor, big or small. When something I did hurt her, she felt that I betrayed her - and there is now no way to repair what has been broken in that friendship. There is no olive branch that would be accepted. With the other friend, I realize that both of us were processing grief in our own ways, and that we put all too many roadblocks in the way of friendship. We gave as good as we got, for better and worse. Yet, I have hope that one day, these road blocks can be removed and that friendship can be renewed.

All too often, friends move away, and there is little opportunity to maintain a friendship. This happened with a woman I once dated. My wife and I were at her wedding, and she and her husband were at my wedding. Her life made it impossible to keep in close contact, as she lived over 100 miles away. Luckily, Facebook brought us together again. It allows us to keep up to date with some of the details of what is going on in each other's lives. And I hope to be able to visit her and her husband once social distancing ends.

Other times, two friends who have distanced themselves for a while still have desires to resume a friendship. This was the case with me and an ex-girlfriend. When I first met her with her husband, I knew that he was the right man for her. And he knew that I would never be a threat to their relationship. In fact, it was one the story from of my experiences that made it possible for her to have a relationship with her husband, and to weather the storm that their first real argument triggered. Hopefully, they will live long lives, and that I will maintain friendships with both of them for a long time.

Some friendships are not meant to last. One of these friendships was built when we were both in college. Even when I had to choose between having him or Bill attend my wedding, he took it in stride. We stayed friends for years until American politics drove us apart. This friend needed to identify himself as a loyal member of his political tribe, and I got tired of hearing things that evidence continually was proving to be false. Rather than put up with hearing regurgitated propaganda from his tribe's spin masters, I let him go. Hopefully, he hasn't consumed too much of the "Kool-Aid" being handed out by his tribe's propaganda division.

Luckily, some friendships were meant to last. I've known Bill since I was 16. And we've been there for each other in time of need. Although he has not asked me to move a body, he did ask me to do something that could have put me at risk of being incarcerated. And I gladly did this for him. Yet, we haven't seen each other in person for years.

In short, each friendship is unique. The best ones are priceless, and much effort may be called for to preserve or restore them. Hopefully, we all have those types of friends. And for me, I hope that repairs can be made to some of the bridges which have been burnt between me and some of the friendships I should have valued more....

A modest border proposal

Like our president, I want to build a wall along the border with Mexico. But I don't want to build a wall that separates our peoples, but builds links of friendship across the border. 

- - - - - -

There is a famous play about two men who build a fence between their properties.  They both wanted their children to want to get to know each other, and they figured that the fence would get their kids interested in knowing each other.  It's a famous musical, and one well worth seeing if you get the chance. But I'll be darned if I can remember the name of that play now.

Since this wall is to be built for purposes of friendship, I propose using both Mexican and American children (of various ages, all under adult supervision) to build this wall as play, using Legos as their prime building material.  The wall would be 50 Meters long, by 1.5 Meters high, and 20 Centimeters thick. At the center would be an American hand shaking a Mexican hand in friendship. This wall would be the first wall built to bring people together, and not keep them apart from each other.

- - - - - -

Our current president wants to force Mexico to pay for a wall that its people do not want. He has just suggested that he is thinking of sending our troops South of the border to deal with "Bad Hombres" in Mexico. Is this the way to make friends?  I doubt it. Our Southwest was settled by people of both Anglo and Mexican heritage. And it's about time we stopped being the bully, and treated our next door neighbor with respect.

Something that most people don't realize is that there is already a wall along parts of the USA/Mexico border. It hasn't solved out problems with Mexico, it has only made them worse.  If we were to build Trump's wall along the border, we'd spend at least $25 billion for materials alone - and that doesn't account for the cost of labor.  Is it worth the price?

One might say, what about all those people crossing the border?  We have a right to keep them out. And this is a valid point. But many Mexican illegal aliens are moving back to Mexico for reasons of opportunity. NAFTA has helped Mexico develop, and we no longer have as big a problem with illegal immigrants crossing that border as we once did.  Instead, we're being infiltrated by illegals flying in from overseas, then overstaying their visits. And our President's proposed wall does absolutely nothing to stop them.  Instead, he's making a symbolic gesture which will accomplish little in the long run.

- - - - - -

Another person might focus on drug smuggling and other crimes which involve border crossing.  And to them I say that we should rationalize our laws. Making recreational drugs illegal has only served to act as a price support.  Berkeley Breathed (of "Bloom County" fame) made a point of this when a "hair growth tonic" was made illegal, and h ad Opus say "thanks for the price support". He then made jokes about all the ways drugs could be smuggled in, and showed how stupid many of these laws are.  To me, the only way to beat a narco mafia is to legalize and regulate such substances, killing off the profit margins.

How many people know that the laws against Marijuana were written to deny Mexican Americans their presumed drug of choice?  In the early days of the 20th century, Opiates were banned to deny Asians a recreational drug. And in the 1930's, Marijuana was banned to deny Blacks and Mexicans their fun.  Booze was made the only recreational drug available to the masses after prohibition ended - and we suffer from that decision today.

The Narco Mafia understands that drug bans only serve to increase their profit margins. But they have had a perverse side benefit.  They now take people from South of Mexico, move them through Mexico, and use these people to deliver their drugs into the USA.  They have taken over the "Coyote" trade, and have little interest in delivering people safely across the border to their final destinations. They have found another business where government provides them with price supports.

- - - - - -

If the problem is with the illegal alien, then we must do two things.  First, we must deal with the 12 million illegals already here. And for them, I want one last amnesty using the model established under Reagan's presidency.  But I do not want these people to ever become American citizens. Instead, I want them to be "green card" holders, so that they do not disrupt American politics in my lifetime.  Second, we must prevent new illegals from finding work, making it a criminal offense to hire (or otherwise employ) people who are not citizens or green card holders. And we must mandate the use of technology that would allow an employer to verify that a person has the legal right to work here. (We could also offer a bounty for those who lead the government to a successful prosecution of employers who violate this law.)

Americans need to feel secure.  And Trump's wall only provides an illusion of security. However, true friendship can provide the security we need, as friends can and will look out for each other....