Thoughts on Friendship

I've been thinking on the nature of friendship, and the following joke comes to mind:

A friend will help you move.
A good friend will help you move a body.

Years ago, when my wife died, my friend Bill went dumpster diving for me, trying to find one of my wife's purses that had $800 in it that I forgot to remove. Sadly, we never found that $800. But his actions illustrate the type of dedication that true friends have for each other.

I can't say that my relationship with Bill has always been smooth sailing. There was a several year period in our lives, that we were out of contact with each other. Yet, when I found the job in the city, he went out of his way to send me a top of the line, fully loaded iPad to as a gift to celebrate my success in finding work.

In order for two friends to be friends after hurting each other, it takes a lot of effort from both parties. It also takes a lot of forgiveness - not just for the other person, but for one's self. We all do things we are ashamed of, and in the heat of passion, we say and do a lot of things that we later regret. Unfortunately, we can never take those words back or undo those actions. But we can forgive others for what they have done.

Over the past few years, I have caused some of my friends to suffer more than their share of pain. For this, I will always be sorry. I have lost two friends very close to me - neither of which will likely see this blog post. And that's OK. With these lost friends, we gave as good as we got. In many ways, things balanced out in a strange sort of way.

While talking with one of my friends the other night, we discussed the frequency of contact between friends. This friend and I can talk about anything, including the most serious of subjects, but we don't talk too often. We are among each other's circle of close friends. These are the friends I'd ask to move a body. However, with the two friends I lost, we'd be on the phone every day. It was good to talk with them, even though we often had nothing much worth saying. They were comforting and fun to be with. But I'm not sure if I could have asked either one to move a body.

With one of the above friends I hurt, I noted that I was trying to have a wider circle of friends and acquaintances. Not everyone could be counted on to move a body, nor could all of those friends be counted on to be in contact on a daily basis. This friend preferred to have a extremely small and tight circle of friends who could be leaned on for any favor, big or small. When something I did hurt her, she felt that I betrayed her - and there is now no way to repair what has been broken in that friendship. There is no olive branch that would be accepted. With the other friend, I realize that both of us were processing grief in our own ways, and that we put all too many roadblocks in the way of friendship. We gave as good as we got, for better and worse. Yet, I have hope that one day, these road blocks can be removed and that friendship can be renewed.

All too often, friends move away, and there is little opportunity to maintain a friendship. This happened with a woman I once dated. My wife and I were at her wedding, and she and her husband were at my wedding. Her life made it impossible to keep in close contact, as she lived over 100 miles away. Luckily, Facebook brought us together again. It allows us to keep up to date with some of the details of what is going on in each other's lives. And I hope to be able to visit her and her husband once social distancing ends.

Other times, two friends who have distanced themselves for a while still have desires to resume a friendship. This was the case with me and an ex-girlfriend. When I first met her with her husband, I knew that he was the right man for her. And he knew that I would never be a threat to their relationship. In fact, it was one the story from of my experiences that made it possible for her to have a relationship with her husband, and to weather the storm that their first real argument triggered. Hopefully, they will live long lives, and that I will maintain friendships with both of them for a long time.

Some friendships are not meant to last. One of these friendships was built when we were both in college. Even when I had to choose between having him or Bill attend my wedding, he took it in stride. We stayed friends for years until American politics drove us apart. This friend needed to identify himself as a loyal member of his political tribe, and I got tired of hearing things that evidence continually was proving to be false. Rather than put up with hearing regurgitated propaganda from his tribe's spin masters, I let him go. Hopefully, he hasn't consumed too much of the "Kool-Aid" being handed out by his tribe's propaganda division.

Luckily, some friendships were meant to last. I've known Bill since I was 16. And we've been there for each other in time of need. Although he has not asked me to move a body, he did ask me to do something that could have put me at risk of being incarcerated. And I gladly did this for him. Yet, we haven't seen each other in person for years.

In short, each friendship is unique. The best ones are priceless, and much effort may be called for to preserve or restore them. Hopefully, we all have those types of friends. And for me, I hope that repairs can be made to some of the bridges which have been burnt between me and some of the friendships I should have valued more....